


There's Someone In My Head But It's Not Me

by hobbleit



Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-03-31 12:03:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3977344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hobbleit/pseuds/hobbleit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Headaches, delirium, nightmares: Athos thinks he is going mad but is there more it than meets the eye?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Just a note, to build on the tags, there will be a lot of suicidal thoughts in this so if that is something you don't like, it's probably best to avoid.
> 
> The title is from Brain Damage by Pink Floyd.

Prologue

D’Artagnan felt his heart hammer in his chest as he opened the door to Athos’ room.  He really did not know what to expect.  Athos had been deteriorating rapidly for days now and d’Artagnan was terrified that he would find the older man dead in his bed.  He took a deep breath and stepped inside hoping beyond all hope that Athos would be all right.

Athos was curled up on the bed, clutching his head in his hands.  He had been crying, that was obvious and he was still very distressed.  D’Artagnan walked over to the bed and took Athos’ hands in his.

“What is wrong my love?”  He whispered softly, not wanting to agitate the other man.  It distressed him so much to see Athos in so much torment and not being able to do anything to help him.  Athos looked up and stared directly into his eyes.

“Kill me.  Please just kill me,” he begged.  “It hurts too much.”

“You will be all right,” d’Artagnan replied even though he didn’t believe his own words.

“My head… hurts… can’t take it anymore.  Please, I need it to stop.  I can’t stop seeing things.  They talk to me, tell me to do things.  I don’t want to hurt you.  Please stop me before I hurt you.”

“You could never hurt me.  Not in a million years,” d’Artagnan tried to hug Athos but he shoved him away hard and he fell to the ground, hitting his arm hard on the floor.  He quickly stood up, clutching his sore arm which only served to increase Athos’ distress.

“You see.  I hurt you.  I hurt everyone.  I’m no good.  I deserve to die for my sins,” he stood up from the bed and grabbed his knife that had been left lying on the floor.  D’Artagnan cursed to himself, he knew he should have taken it away.

“Put the knife down, Athos, please.  You don’t want to do this,” he begged.

“I am sorry, my love.  Goodbye,” he said as he used the knife to cut his arm.

“NO!” D’Artagnan screamed as he stood and watched helplessly as the blood began to flow down Athos’ arm.


	2. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should have said this at the beginning but I forgot, the story takes place early/mid season two when Milady is the King's Mistress for reasons that will become relevant as the story progresses.

Chapter One

The first time Athos experienced a hallucination he simply assumed he had drunk far too much the night before.

He had just woken up from a night of heavy drinking and as he opened his bleary eyes he could have sworn for a moment that he had just seen his brother out of the corner of his eye but when he blinked there was no-one there.  Sitting up cautiously, he looked around the room; rubbing his eyes and groaning at his aching head.

This was not going to be a good day.

There was a light knock at his door.  Athos blinked several times before he realised what was happening.  What was wrong?  He thought.  He couldn’t seem to make his brain function properly.  The knocking continued.

“Athos?”  He heard a voice from the other side.  It took a moment to realise who it was.  “Athos are you there?”

It was d’Artagnan Athos eventually realised and he stood up to open the door.

“Are you all right?”  He asked Athos as he entered his room.  “You look a little bit out of sorts.”

“Hangover I think,” Athos replied, his voice gruffer than usual.  “I’ll be fine.”

“Well you were rather drunk last night, Porthos had to carry you home,” d’Artagnan said as he reached out of the window and pulled the bucket of water Athos always kept.  “Here, you need to wash you smell really bad,” he remarked.

Athos didn’t reply, he just gave d’Artagnan a look which said everything he couldn’t bring his exhausted brain to think of.

“Are you sure you’re all right?”  D’Artagnan asked as he watched Athos move sluggishly.  “You seem very out of it this morning.”

“I’m sure,” he replied as he stuck his head under the water.

“I will never understand how you can do that.”

“It works, doesn’t it?”  Athos replied as he grabbed a shirt from the floor and dried his face.

“You are a very strange man,” d’Artagnan grinned as he ran his hand through Athos’ wet hair and pulled him in for a kiss.  After spending a few moments simply enjoying the feeling of Athos’ lips on his d’Artagnan pulled away.  “We’d better hurry, we’re going to be late.”

-x-

Athos’ headache didn’t abate at any point during the day, if anything it became worse the longer he had to spend awake and he could think of nothing more than crawling into bed and sleeping until he could think straight.  He could hear Porthos and Aramis joking around, teasing him for having been so drunk but he was not in the mood to indulge them so he ignored them, his mood growing darker with every passing hour.  He was glad when they were dismissed for the day and he headed back to his room.

“You really aren’t all right are you?”  He heard d’Artagnan ask from his side.  He groaned.

“I’ll be fine,” Athos replied.  “I just need to sleep.”

“Then I’ll stay with you,” d’Artagnan said and Athos turned to glare at him.  He couldn’t have looked any more like a concerned puppy if he tried.  It almost brought Athos out of his mood.  He immediately knew that he wasn’t going to refuse the younger man tonight.

“Fine,” he responded gruffly, keeping his face looking impassive so as not to tip d’Artagnan off that he actually wanted him there.  “Just don’t make too much noise.”

They headed back to Athos’ rooms in silence and once they arrived Athos collapsed onto his bed fully clothed and buried his face into the pillow glad to be able to relax at last.  He felt d’Artagnan sit on the edge of the bed and gently pulled his boots off.  He then heard d’Artagnan do the same with his own boots.  A moment later the younger man’s hands were running through his hair.  He groaned appreciatively.

“That feels good.”

“Relax, my love,” d’Artagnan replied, his voice soft, as he massaged Athos’ scalp.  “Allow yourself to sleep.”

Athos could feel himself begin to drift off.  For the first time all day he didn’t feel completely wretched.  “Thank you,” he said as he closed his eyes and finally allowed sleep to claim him.

His dreams were anything but peaceful.  They were dark and tormenting, his brother coming back to haunt him in his sleep, silently screaming, begging to know why Athos had let him die.  Athos tried to cry out but he felt himself frozen and unable to do anything but stand there in horror as his blood stained younger brother accused him of having let him die.

Athos started awake but for a moment he couldn’t move, he was as frozen as in his dream and, just for a minute, he thought he could see his brother standing there.  It was as if his dream had followed him into waking just to torment him some more.

“Athos?”  He heard a concerned voice next to him and he suddenly came to his sense and was able to move again.  He sat up, gasping for breath, joined a moment later by dArtagnan.  “Can you hear me?”

“What?”  He finally managed to answer.  “What happened?”

“You were having a nightmare,” d’Artagnan explained as he wrapped his arms around the older man.  “You sounded terrified, what were you dreaming about?”

“I don’t remember,” he lied.  He could remember every little detail about his nightmare but the thing that scared him most was that it had followed him into waking.  The image of Thomas standing in front of him had been too real to bear.  “You should go back to sleep,” he said, trying to reassure d’Artagnan.

“Not until you do,” he replied, the concern never once leaving his voice.  He rested his head on Athos’ shoulder and pressed a kiss into his neck, comforting the older man.  Athos appreciated his concern even if he didn’t show it.

“You are too kind,” he said in response.  “Caring for an old drunk like me,” he then fell silent once again.  Lying down, Athos closed his eyes and pretended to his younger lover that he was able to sleep again.  He felt d'Artagnan lie next to him and he continued to stroke Athos’ hair.

Thinking that Athos couldn’t hear him, d’Artagnan said the words he didn’t feel able to speak when he knew Athos was awake. 

“It’s no trouble, my love,” he whispered.  “I love you.”


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

It concerned d’Artagnan that Athos’ headache was not disappearing and that he seemed to be feeling worse instead of better.  For three days Athos had been walking around like a bear with a sore head and d’Artagnan, feeling very worried, approached Aramis.

“How long has he felt unwell?”  Aramis asked as he cut an apple with a knife.  He offered d’Artagnan a piece but he declined.

“Three days since that night he got so drunk Porthos had to carry him home,” he replied and Aramis nodded.  “He said it was just a hangover but hangovers don’t last this long, surely.”

“You’ve obviously never seen the full extent of how much Athos can drink when he is feeling melancholy.”

“Is this normal then?”

“I will admit it is a bit unusual.  I can talk to him if you want.”

“Thank you,” d’Artagnan.  “I hate seeing him so miserable.”

“We all do but he’ll be all right.”

“I hope so,” d’Artagnan tried to feel optimistic but he felt anything but.”

-x-

Athos felt Aramis’ presence before he stopped next to him and cheerily greeted him, “Good morning,” he grinned.  “How are you this fine morning?”

“You’ve spoken to d’Artagnan haven’t you?”  He groaned.  He knew that the younger man was concerned for his wellbeing and, although he appreciated the concern, he wanted to be left alone.  “What did he say?”

“That you’ve had a headache for three days and you’re feeling miserable.”

“He’s worrying too much.”

“But he’s not wrong,” Aramis said.  He noticed a shadow pass over Athos’ face.  “It’s not just the headache is it?  There’s something else that it troubling you.”

Athos sighed.  He didn’t want to tell Aramis about his dreams but he knew the other man would not cease until he had prised the truth out of Athos.  “Do not tell Porthos or d’Artagnan about this, I don’t want to worry them,” he said.

“Of course not.  You are keeping my biggest secret so I can keep a small one of yours.”

“I’ve been having nightmares, nightmares about my brother.”

“That’s not unusual for you.  I know how hard you have to fight your demons.”

“The nightmares have continued when I wake up.  I see Thomas standing watching me when I know that I am awake.”

“That is… more unusual,” Aramis didn’t know what to say.  He knew how to stitch wounds but this was completely unchartered territory for him.  “How long has this been going on for?”

“Since the headache started.”

“Your headache could just be making you see your brother.  Have you seen a physician?”

Athos shook his head.  “They would think I was mad.  They would have me locked away or accuse me of devil possession or some other such nonsense.  It is better to keep this secret.”

“But what if it doesn’t go away?  What if this ailment continues to plague you?”

“Then I will deal with it then.  Please, just leave it be.”

“I will for now but you will tell me if things get worse,” Aramis told him and it was not a request.  “I am not going to let this go.”

“All right,” Athos snapped.  “Sorry, I know you only have my best interests at heart.”

“Look after yourself,” Aramis said.  “You have too many people who care about you for anything bad to happen to you.”

Aramis took his leave from Athos and returned to d’Artagnan.  “We have to keep an eye on him.  He says that he can handle this but he’s not going to tell us what is wrong unless he is pushed.”

“Did he say what was wrong?”

“He mentioned the headaches,” Aramis told him but did not speak about the hallucinations that Athos had told him about.  “I told him to tell someone if they got any worse.”

“Do you think he will?”

“No, not unless he’s pushed.  We’re going to have to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t get any worse.”

“I’m really worried about him,” d’Artagnan confessed.  “I know there’s more to this than he’s telling us.  He’s been having nightmares.  I asked him what they were about but he said he didn’t remember.  I think he’s lying.”

Aramis wanted to tell d’Artagnan that he was right, that Athos did remember exactly what his nightmares were about, but he couldn’t betray Athos when he had promised he would keep his secret.  Wait a minute, he thought, how did d’Artagnan know about the nightmares?

“How do you know he’s having nightmares?”  He asked, curious.

“Long story,” was all d’Artagnan replied with.  “Shall we find Porthos, I feel the need to practice sparring,” he quickly changed the subject and walked off before Aramis could respond.

“What’s going on there?”  Aramis said quietly to himself before following the younger man.

-x-

D’Artagnan found himself watching Athos sleep that night, determined to try and find out what the older man was having nightmares about.  As he watched him, d’Artagnan sat and thought about everything that he and Athos had been through together.  He had never expected to fall in love with a man and this relationship had completely blindsided him.

He couldn’t even remember the point at which he realised that he had developed feelings for Athos, it felt like they had always been there.  He had hidden them for months until he realised that he couldn’t anymore and one night he had launched himself at Athos.  Luckily, Athos hadn’t killed him but had returned the kiss and their secret liaison had started.

No-one else knew about their relationship and, sadly, d’Artagnan knew that no-one could ever know.  Despite him wanting to shout it from the rooftops, or even just to tell Aramis and Porthos, he knew that the risk was too great.

He was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of Athos moaning in his sleep.

“Athos?”  He asked tentatively but he received no response.  Athos was too far lost in his nightmare.

“Thomas?”  D’Artagnan heard Athos cry.  “Thomas no!  Please!  No!”

“Athos, you need to wake up,” d’Artagnan said with a note of panic in his voice.  He couldn’t seem to wake him.  “You’re having a nightmare, please wake up.”

Athos didn’t respond, he kept crying for Thomas and no matter how much d’Artagnan shook him he did not stir.  He cried and whimpered in his sleep for what seemed like an eternity and d’Artagnan was about to run to get help when Athos sat up in bed, eyes wide open and sweat dripping from his brow.

“Athos, thank god,” d’Artagnan said but the older man did not seem to hear him.  He was staring at a blank space in the corner.

“Thomas!”  He cried.  “Stop, please stop.  I can’t do that, you know I can’t,” he said before collapsing back on the bed.  D’Artagnan leaned over him to see if he was awake but his eyes were once again closed.

“What is going on, Athos?  Tell me what I can do to help,” he asked quietly but the older man did not respond, leaving d’Artagnan even more confused than before.


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

“Why didn’t you tell me that d’Artagnan knows about the nightmares?”  Aramis asked Athos the next morning as he sat down next to him in the courtyard.

“What?”  Athos sounded confused.  Before Aramis had interrupted him he had been lost in thought.  He’d had yet another night of nightmares and they were beginning to take their toll on him.  It was getting harder and harder to concentrate, his mind kept spinning in circles and he couldn’t keep it on one thing in particular.

“Why did you not tell me that d’Artagnan knows about your nightmares?  You told me not to say anything but he already knew.”

“He knows?  I told him?”  Athos sounded confused as if he genuinely had no idea that d’Artagnan knew.  This worried Aramis.

“How could you forget telling him?  How much have you been drinking lately?  Enough to impair your memory?”

Athos opened his mouth to speak but closed it again before saying anything.  He couldn’t remember.  The last few days seemed to have passed him by in a haze and he couldn’t remember much beyond the dreams about Thomas.  “I don’t remember,” he eventually confessed.  “I don’t recall drinking but I cannot remember not drinking either.  Have you seen me drunk?”

“No but you have been keeping to yourself on an evening so you could have been drinking in your room.  Can you really remember nothing?”

“It is all very blurred.  Maybe I have been drinking too much.  Porthos did have to carry me home.  I’ve never lost so much time before.”

“We could keep an eye on you if you want, make sure that you don’t hurt yourself or do something equally as stupid.”

“I may have to take you up on that offer if it becomes any worse but I don’t think I’m at that point yet.”

“Just ask if you need us.”

“Thank you.”

“Just one more thing, what is going on with you and d’Artagnan?”

“What do you mean?”

“He is very concerned about you, concerned enough to ask me to help you.”

“He’s a friend, of course he is concerned.  You are too.”

“It’s more than that.  He is very worried and by the sounds of it he has first-hand experience of your nightmares so what is going on between the two of you?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Athos said as he stood up from the table.

“He was defensive as well.  I will get to the bottom of this.”

“There is nothing to get to the bottom of,” Athos told him and walked off, almost bumping into Porthos as he left.

“Wha’s up with ‘im?”  Porthos asked Aramis.  “He looks as though he’s been drinkin’ for days.”

“I have no idea but I’m going to get to the bottom of it,” Aramis replied pensively.

-x-

Athos almost ran back to his room and slammed the door shut behind him before collapsing to the ground.  What was happening to him?  His mind was foggy and he was having difficulty thinking.  He genuinely didn’t remember telling d’Artagnan about his nightmares but from what Aramis said the younger man had first-hand experience of them but Athos couldn’t remember him being with him at all.  He couldn’t remember much about the last few nights except the nightmares and they felt extremely real.

He closed his eyes and rubbed them hard with the palms of his hands.  When he looked up he saw his brother stood in front of him.

“Thomas?  No, it cannot be.  You are dead.  I must be going mad.”

“I am here, brother, you are not mad.  You have to listen to me.”

“No, you’re not here.  You’re dead, I buried you.”

“Listen, brother, you have to do as I say.  She cannot be allowed to live.  You have already failed to kill her and I will not allow my murderer to continue living.”

“I can’t kill Anne, I can’t.”

“You have to.  There will be no peace until she is gone.  You have to finally avenge my death.”

“She is with the King, he protects her now.”

“You must find a way.  You cannot let her live.”

“NO!”  Athos cried and threw himself through his brother towards the other side of the room.  He grasped around the floor until he came across a half empty bottle of wine.  He was going to drink his hallucinations away.

-x-

D’Artagnan found Athos on the floor half unconscious and barely responding.  “Athos!”  He cried and checked that the older man was still alive.  “What’s wrong?”  He had been feeling even more worried when Athos had disappeared and had not been seen all morning.  He had hurried to his room to make sure that the older man was all right but he was disturbed by what he saw.

Athos slurred, barely acknowledging d’Artagnan’s presence, “don’ member.”

D’Artagnan noticed the empty wine bottle on the floor next to Athos, “How much have you drunk?” 

“Don’ know.  So hard to member anything.”

“Come on, let’s get you into bed.”

“How di’ you know?”

“Know what?  That you’re drunk?  That’s obvious.”

“No, ‘bout the nightmares.”

“What do you mean?  I was here, I saw them.  I watched as you cried out in your sleep.”

“Don’ member you here,” Athos said as d’Artagnan dropped him onto the bed.

“Athos, I’ve been with you the last two nights,” d’Artagnan replied, now feeling extremely concerned.  “I’ve slept by your side,” his voice rose as he became more panicked.  There was definitely something seriously wrong with Athos and d’Artagnan didn’t know what to do.

“Wha’s happening to me?  Wha’s wrong?”

“I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out.  I’ll get Aramis and we’ll find out.  It’ll be all right.  It’s nothing that we can’t fix so don’t worry.”

“Help me, please, feels like I’m going mad.”

“I will do everything I can to help but for now you need to sleep.  Maybe things will be clearer in the morning.”

“Don’ leave me, please,” Athos pleaded weakly and it broke d’Artagnan’s heart to see him hurting so much.

“I am not going to leave you, my love,” he replied as he settled down next to the older man and holding him tight he kissed Athos’ forehead.  “I will never, ever leave you.”


	5. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

“Can alcohol affect memory?”  D’Artagnan asked Aramis the next morning.  He had been reluctant to leave a sleeping Athos but he needed to see Aramis and Porthos so they could find a way to help Athos. 

“It can do,” Aramis replied.

“Is this about Athos?”  Porthos asked.

“I found him drunk yesterday and he told me that he was having trouble remembering anything.  He was very distressed.”

“Well, we’ve all had nights where we’ve drunk too much and the next morning we cannot remember anything about the night previous.  Athos is a major drinker so if one night can cause memory loss just think what prolonged drunkenness could do.”

“Is there anything we can do to help him?”

“I don’t know.  We may need to consult a physician.  They might know more about the long term effects of drinking than I.  How was he this morning?”

“He was still asleep when I left.  We should get back to him though, I don’t think he should be left alone.”

“Well let’s get goin’,” Porthos said, standing up.

-x-

Athos woke shortly after d’Artagnan left and he was once again confronted by the vision of his brother.

“You gave to kill her,” he said.  “Once you do it will all be over.  Just get dressed, take your sword and you can finally find some peace.”

“There will never be peace,” Athos replied.  “Only suffering.  I deserve to suffer for what I did.  I made her who she is.”

“Then you have to stop her or she will just keep hurting people.  How many has she killed?  How many more will she kill?”

“I can’t do it.”

“Yes you can.  Just think, she lied to you, she betrayed you and she murdered me.  She broke your heart and made you the man you are today.  You think you made her, she made you.  If you’d never met her you would not be the sad and pathetic drunk you are now.”

“Stop, please,” Athos begged.

“You deserve to have peace and you will only find peace with her blood.”

There was a banging on the door and a moment later Aramis, Porthos and d’Artagnan entered.  Aramis was immediately at Athos’ side.

“My god,” he said.  “Your heart is racing.”

“He won’t go away,” Athos sobbed.  “He tells me I have to kill her.  I can’t kill her.”

“Who is telling you?”  D’Artagnan asked.

“He can’t be here, he’s dead but he is telling me I have to kill her.”

“Who is he on about?”  Porthos asked, the fear evident in his voice as he stared at his brother beyond worried for him.

“Thomas,” Aramis replied.  “He’s talking about his brother.  He’s been having hallucinations of his brother.”

“I’m going mad,” Athos said.

“No you’re not,” Aramis reassured.  “There has to be something else to be causing this.  You’ve never shown any symptoms of madness before.”

“I’m being punished.”

“You are not.”

“We’re gonna help you,” Porthos reassured him, sitting down next to him.  “It’s gonna be all right.”

“How?  How will it be all right?  I can’t think, I can’t remember and my dead brother will not give me a moment’s peace.”

“So jus’ a normal day then,” Porthos tried to joke.  “You are gonna be all right, yeh hear me?  You have to believe that.”

“I can’t.”

“Then we’ll believe for you,” d’Artagnan said as he joined his brothers on the floor.  “We will make sure everything will be all right so you don’t have to.  Just concentrate on getting better.”

“Thank you,” Athos said and allowed his brothers to envelop him in a tight hug.  He never wanted them to let go.

-x-

They all must have fallen asleep at some point because when Athos opened his eyes it had gone from early morning to mid-afternoon.  His head hurt, worse than ever before and he just wanted it to stop.

“You know what you have to do in order to make it stop,” Thomas said, watching Athos intently as he extricated himself from Aramis, Porthos and d’Artagnan and started to pace the floor.  “You have to kill her.”

“I don’t want this anymore.  I just want it to stop.”

“And it will, you just need to do this one little thing and you will be free forever.  Just take your sword and find her.  You know where she is.”

“The Palace.  She’s at the Palace.”

“Then go but hurry.  If your friends find out what you are going to do they will only try to stop you.  They want you to be mad, they don’t need you.”

“But they said…”

“They lied to keep you from freeing yourself.  They want you weak, they want you to be tied to them so they can keep you down.  You are so much stronger than them, you don’t need them.  Killing Anne will prove how strong you are.”

“I have to go, I need to think.”

“You don’t need to think, you need to act.  One little thing and you will be free forever.  That sounds good, doesn’t it?”

“I just want peace.”

“And you will have it.”

“I will have peace.”

-x-

“Aramis!  Porthos!”  D’Artagnan cried as he shook his brother’s awake.  “Athos is gone, we have to find him.”

“He can’t have got far,” Aramis said as they jumped to their feet and hurried in pursuit of Athos.

He was nowhere to be seen on the street as they exited his rooms. 

“Where could he have gone?”  Porthos asked in desperation.

“Are you talking about Monsieur Athos?”  A young woman asked.  “I saw him just a few moments ago.  He looked very disturbed.”

“Did he say where he was going?”  Aramis asked her. 

“He said something about going to the Palace, said he needed to do something.”

“The Palace!”  D’Artagnan exclaimed.  “He said that his brother was telling him to kill her.”

“Milady,” Aramis realised.  “Come on we have to hurry and stop him from doing something that will get him into a lot of trouble.


	6. Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Milady was sat in the gardens of the Palace having a thoroughly wonderful time.  Being the mistress of the King certainly had its advantages, one of which was being waited on hand and foot whilst the royal party enjoyed the beautiful Parisian afternoon.  It was certainly a life she could become accustomed to.

That was until she saw Athos.

He was striding towards her in particular with a singular intent.  His eyes were wild and he looked as though he hadn’t slept in days.  Milady felt herself tense up, nothing good was going to come of it.

“ANNE!”  He shouted from across the gardens.  “ANNE!”

“Who is he on about?”  The King asked, bemused.  There was only one Anne present and there was no way that a Musketeer would address the Queen in such a way.  He didn’t know about Athos’ past with Milady but Constance did and she looked at the wild man with fear in her eyes.  What was he going to do?

“ANNE!”  He shouted again and Milady found herself involuntarily standing up.  Despite her fear at what her husband was going to do she hid it with her usual disinterest and cockiness.

“What are you doing here?”  She called out.  “You’re not on duty here today.”

“You have to die,” he said as he walked up to her and grabbed her by the throat before anyone could stop him.  “You have to pay.”

“Athos,” Constance cried in fear.  “You cannot do this.”

“She is a liar and a murderer and a whore,” Athos replied.  “She has to pay for her sins.”

“Someone restrain this man,” the King ordered but Athos just tightened his grip on Milady.

“You’re drunk again I see,” she hissed.  “Like you were the last time.”

“No, I am just seeing clearly now.  You need to pay.”

“Help me,” Milady begged but, seeing how wild Athos was, no-one wanted to get too close.  “Don’t let this lunatic kill me.”

“Athos,” Constance edged up to him.  “Calm down, there is nothing you can do here.  If you kill Milady then they will all kill you too.”

“At least then I’ll truly be free.  I need her out of my head.”

“You can’t throw your life away like this, what would Aramis, Porthos and d’Artagnan think?  They love you and they wouldn’t want to see you get killed.  Please, if you can’t do it for yourself then let her go for them.  They would be devastated.”

“Stop,” he begged, closing his eyes and loosening his grip on Milady slightly.  “I need to think.  I just need to think.”

“And you can but just let her go.  You will never forgive yourself if you kill her.”

Athos let Milady go enough for her to wriggle out of his grip.  “Oh my god,” she cried, flinging herself at the King and burying her face in his hair.  Athos collapsed to the ground and Constance knelt down next to him, placing a comforting hand on his arm.

“It’ll be all right,” she whispered to him, smiling comfortingly.  “We should get you home.”

“I want this man arrested,” the King announced.

“No,” Constance replied.  “He’s sick, he needs help.”

“I will not take the threat on someone’s life lightly, Madame.  He will be arrested.”

Aramis, Porthos and d’Artagnan chose this moment to arrive at the Palace.  “Athos!”  Aramis cried out as they hurried to his side.  “What happened?”

“He went after Milady,” Constance explained.  “I managed to get him to let her go but he needs help, there’s something wrong with him and I don’t think that it’s alcohol.”

“We don’t think so either,” Aramis told her as Porthos and d’Artagnan helped the distressed man to his feet.  “He’s delirious, I think he is ill and he needs to rest,” he lied.  He didn’t want to tell Constance that Athos was convinced that he was going mad.  He really didn’t want to tell Constance that he was worried Athos might be right.  “We need to get him out of here.”

“Where are you taking him?”  The King demanded to know.  “He just threatened to kill this poor woman.  He should be arrested.”

“Your majesty, Athos is sick,” Aramis said.  “We need to take him home so he can recover.  We don’t know if the illness he has can be passed on so it would be best to get him far away from your majesty and the dauphin.”

“This is not over.  I will deal with this when he is well enough,” the King replied.

“Of course your majesty,” Porthos said as he started to carry Athos away.  Athos was mumbling incoherently to himself.

“Let’s get him out of here before he does anything that will get him killed,” Aramis said quietly to his brothers.

“Agreed.”

As they were leaving Constance tapped d’Artagnan on the shoulder.  “Is he really going to be all right?”  She asked him, concern for the older man lacing her voice.

“I hope so,” d’Artagnan replied unable to keep the fear in his voice from showing through.  “We don’t know what is wrong with him.”

“I don’t want to sound like I’m overreacting but he seemed mad.”

D’Artagnan looked alarmed.  “I hope not.  We thought it was just a case of him drinking too much but he hasn’t had a drink in days.”

“Could it be from him not drinking?”  Constance asked.  “I mean when we were with Emilie and she was withdrawing from the drugs she was wild.”

“If that is all it is then I will be very glad indeed,” d’Artagnan confessed.  “The alternative doesn’t bear thinking about.”

“I am sure he will be fine,” Constance tried to reassure d’Artagnan seeing how distressed he was looking.  “I know he means a lot to you.”

“I don’t know what I would do without him.  I should be going, I need to get back to Athos.  Thank you for looking after him,” d’Artagnan gave her a soft but sad smile.

“Any time,” Constance replied as she watched d’Artagnan disappear, wondering if there was anything more going on between d’Artagnan and Athos than anyone could see.


	7. Chapter Six

Chapter Six

D’Artagnan sat on the edge of Athos’ bed and watched him sleep.  Aramis had gone in search of a physician and Porthos had gone to inform Treville of what had happened at the Palace leaving d’Artagnan alone.  He ran his hand through Athos’ hair and he noticed how tangled it was.  He had obviously not being taken care of himself.

“I think my life changed the day I met you,” he said to Athos as a tear rolled down his cheek.  “I know we didn’t meet under the best circumstances but every day since then I have come to realise that you are the most amazing man I have ever met.  You are strong and brave and you are kind and honest.  I don’t know what you ever saw in me but there is not a single day where I am not thankful that you are in my life.  I don’t even know if you can hear me, I hope you can, but I just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me and that I love you,” he leaned down and kissed Athos’ forehead gently.

“Please don’t die,” he cried.  “I don’t think I can do this without you.”

Athos opened his eyes, “d’Artagnan,” he said quietly sounding more lucid than he had for days.

“Athos, how are you feeling?”

“Head hurts,” he replied, “so much.”

“Just try and relax.  Aramis has gone to get a physician.”

“What is wrong with me?”  He asked weakly.  “Am I mad?”

“No,” d’Artagnan tried to reassure Athos unconvincingly.  “You are not mad, you are ill and once we know what is wrong with you then we can make you better.  Everything will be all right. I promise,” he said and leaned down to kiss Athos again, on the lips this time.

“I feel so tired all of the time but I don’t want to sleep.  I cannot bear the nightmares any longer.”

“Sit up a moment,” d’Artagnan said as he helped Athos up before slipping in behind him and letting the older man rest against his chest.  “I am here for you,” he told him, gently running his hand through Athos’ hair, using his fingers to untangle the mess that Athos’ hair had become.  Athos moaned in appreciation.

“I wish we could stay like this forever,” he said quietly.  “It hurts slightly less when you’re here.”

“Then we will never leave this room,” d’Artagnan placed a kiss onto Athos’ head.  “Do you still see Thomas?”

“Yes,” Athos nodded.  “He is always here, talking to me, taunting me but you make it easier to bear.  I can block him out.”

“Then just relax.  Aramis will return soon and hopefully we will find out what is wrong with you.”

“I’m going mad.”

“No you’re not,” d’Artagnan replied forcefully, not wanting to believe that Athos might not get better.  “You are going to get better.”

“It would just be easier to accept it, just let me rot with the other madmen.”

“I will never let that happen, neither will Aramis or Porthos.  We will always fight for you even if you don’t think you can fight for yourself,” d’Artagnan said trying and failing to hold back the tears in his eyes.  “We all love you too much to let you go.”

“Maybe it would be kinder to let me die.  Promise me that if it gets too bad and I cannot do it myself that you will end this pain.”

“I am not going to kill you!”  D’Artagnan exclaimed.  “I could never kill you.”

“I have already tried to kill Anne, I could try to kill you too.  You must do it before I hurt somebody else.”

“I will exhaust every other option and even then I will not do it.  You are talking nonsense.  You are going to get better and everything will be fine.”

“I like your optimism but I think in this case it is misplaced.”

Their conversation was interrupted by Aramis entering the room with the physician.  “I’m sorry it took so long,” he apologised.

D’Artagnan looked up.  “It’s all right,” he said through the tears.  “We were just talking.  I was trying to convince Athos to rest but he won’t listen to me.”

“The physician is going to have a look at Athos and see if there’s anything he can do to help so we should leave them alone for a few moments.”

“Okay,” d’Artagnan agreed.  “We’ll be just outside if you need us,” he said to Athos as he gently removed himself from behind the older man and lay him down onto the bed.  “You have nothing to worry about.”

“Thank you,” Athos smiled sadly as d’Artagnan and Aramis left the room.

“How is he?”  Aramis asked as they closed the door.

“Not good,” d’Artagnan replied.  “He told me that he wants me to kill him if there is nothing that can be done to save him.”

Aramis started to speak but he was interrupted by Porthos arriving.

“How’s Athos?”  He asked.

“The physician is with him now,” Aramis explained.  “Did you find Treville?”

“Yeah he’s gonna stop by later to see Athos.”

“Good.  Good.  We just have to wait now.”

“How long is it gonna take?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe it would be best to find somewhere to eat while we wait.  I think we are going to be in for a very rough few days.”

They all agreed and headed off to the nearest tavern where they sat in a corner almost silently.  Aramis eventually broke the silence.

“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted.  “I hate seeing Athos like this but I do not know what is wrong.  I don’t know what will happen if the physician cannot see what is wrong with him.  What if he really is going mad?”

“He can’t be,” d’Artagnan replied.  “I won’t believe it.  I have to keep thinking that he will get better otherwise I don’t think that I will be able to go on.  Seeing him hurt so much feels like a dagger in my heart.”

“We may have to accept that it is a possibility.  I don’t want to but it may be that he cannot be cured of this.”

“Please don’t say that,” d’Artagnan replied, tears forming once more in his eyes.  “I don’t want to think about Athos dying.  He told me that I might have to kill him if he couldn’t do it himself.  I can’t do that.”

“I don’ think any of us could,” Porthos told him.  “He’s our brother, we have to fight for ‘im.”

Aramis looked at d’Artagnan and saw how distressed the younger man was.  In that moment he realised why he was so upset.  “D’Artagnan?”  He said.

“Yes Aramis?”

“What exactly has been going on between you and Athos?”


	8. Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

“What?”  D’Artagnan said in shock.  “What do you mean?”

“I know there is something going on between the two of you, I’ve been suspicious for a while now but it was only when I saw you with him earlier and now seeing how upset you are that I can see it clearly.  You love him.”

D’Artagnan nodded silently, knowing that he couldn’t lie to them any longer.  “I love him,” he eventually replied.

“Does he love you?”

“I don’t know, he’s never said it.  I don’t know if he’s even capable of loving me.”

“How long has it been going on for?”

“A while,” d’Artagnan confessed.  “Since I became a Musketeer.”

“How?”

“It just happened.  I think I’ve always been in love with him but not long after I got my commission we were out, had a little bit too much wine one night and we ended up kissing.  It didn’t feel wrong.”

“Is it sexual?”  Aramis asked, his voice tense, and d’Artagnan blushed.  He nodded in confirmation.  “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“You know why,” he replied.  “It’s not exactly legal and if the wrong person found out then we would all be punished.  It was hard enough to keep it a secret when the Cardinal was alive but Rochefort is so much worse.  You know what he would do if he were to find out.”

Aramis sighed and ran his hand through his hair while Porthos stared at d’Artagnan making him feel more than a little bit uncomfortable.

“Are you going to say anything?”  He asked Porthos.

“You coulda told us, we wouldn’t have said anything.”

“But we still might have been discovered by someone else.  I love Athos but I don’t want to die for that.”

“Someone coulda found out without us knowing too.”

“The more people who know the more dangerous it is.  We were trying to keep ourselves safe.  We were trying to keep you safe.”

“We don’ need keepin’ safe, we can manage jus’ fine you still shoulda told us.”

“Would you have accepted it?”

“Of course we would, wouldn’t we?”  Porthos turned to Aramis who paused momentarily before speaking.  “Oh come on, don’ say yeh gonna spout off all that religious nonsense, they’re your friends.  If they’re happy let them be happy.”

“The Bible says it is wrong.”

“The Bible say lots of things are wrong but that doesn’t mean you don’ do ‘em.  I say if they wanna be together then let them.  It’s not the worst thing I’ve seen in my life.”

“It is still a very dangerous situation, no matter which way you look at it.  D’Artagnan is right, if anyone; especially Rochefort, was to find out about this then they would both be in a great deal of danger.  We all would be.”

“Anyway,” d’Artagnan said sadly, buoyed by Porthos’ reaction but disappointed by Aramis’.  I don’t think it matters much at the moment.  It isn’t the most important thing we need to be concentrating on.  Athos needs our help and we need to find out what is wrong with him.”

“The physician should be finished soon and then we should hopefully know more about his condition.  I just hope that it is something that can be treated, madness is not something that he will ever recover from.”

They all descended into a thoughtful silence, contemplating what was going to happen next.  None of them wanted to consider the possibility that Athos’ condition may be permanent but they couldn’t think of anything else.  The news from the physician was not good.

He arrived flustered and breathing heavily as if he had run to meet them.  “What is wrong?”  Aramis asked him.

“Your friend attacked me.”

“No, he can’t have,” d’Artagnan protested.

“I assure you he did,” the physician confirmed.  “I was just trying to examine him and he was overcome by a bout of severe madness.  When I tried to calm him he attacked me so I fled.”

“I’m going to check on him,” d’Artagnan said and ran off.

Aramis turned back to the physician who continued to speak.  “I recommend you lock your friend up immediately for the safety of others.  He is dangerous.”

“And what about his safety?”  Aramis asked.  “I know exactly how he would be treated in prison, he needs someone to look after him and make sure he is all right not locked-up and the key thrown away.”

“If you don’t then he will hurt someone else.  It is only a matter of time before he kills someone.  Please, do not contact me again,” he said as he walked away.

“Wha’ do we do now?”  Porthos asked.

-x-

D’Artagnan found Athos in great distress and threatening to kill himself.  After begging d’Artagnan to kill him because he couldn’t take it anymore he tried to end his own life.  It hurt too much.  The pain was constant and Athos just wanted it to be over.  He had pushed d’Artagnan and picked up his knife, cutting into his own flesh.

D’Artagnan screamed and leapt across to drag Athos to the floor.  He climbed on top of him and held him down until the fight had gone out of the older man and he gave up resisting.

“It’s going to be all right,” d’Artagnan panted, tears flowing down his face as he grabbed one of Athos’ shirts and used it to bind his bleeding wrist.  “It’s all going to be all right, I promise.  Just don’t give up, please don’t give up.  I can’t let you die like this, I love you too much.”

“I just want it to stop,” Athos replied, his voice quiet and shaky.  “I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t wait for myself to go completely mad.  I won’t wait to go completely mad.”

The door opened and Aramis and Porthos both hurried into Athos’ small room.

“He needs help,” d’Artagnan explained.  “He tried to kill himself, he cut his wrist.  I think it needs stitches,” he said as he let go of Athos and allowed Aramis and Porthos to help the other man onto the bed.  Aramis then removed the shirt to inspect the wound.

“Yes it will need stitching.  Oh Athos, you’ve done a very good job on this.  Lucky I’m here to patch you up, isn’t it?”

Athos didn’t speak at all as Aramis sewed up his wound.  He had fallen into a complete silence and he didn’t even acknowledge the other men in the room, he just stared into space.  After he was finished Aramis lay Athos down onto the bed.

“Are you going to try that again?”  He asked.

“If it is the only way to stop feeling like this then more than likely,” Athos replied.

“I don’t understand.  I know you are melancholy.  I know you drink too much but you have never tried to actively kill yourself before.”

“It never hurt this much before.”

“I you are going to attempt this again then I will have no choice to bind you to this bed so you can’t hurt yourself.”

“Just lock me up in prison and let me rot,” Athos sadly replied.  “Then you won’t have to deal with me anymore.”

“We are not goin’ to leave you,” Porthos interjected.  “We will always try an’ help you.”

“I don’t want help,” Athos said becoming more and more distressed.  “I want to die.  I want it to be over.  I don’t want to have nightmares about my brother and then wake to find him still here and telling me to kill Anne.  I am tired of this.  I am tired of fighting.   Can’t do this anymore.”

“Porthos,” Aramis said.  “Get me something to bind him with.”  He turned back to Athos.  “I am not going to let you die.  None of us are going to stand by and let you die so I am going to do what it necessary to keep you alive.  I am sorry about this, truly I am, but this is necessary.”


	9. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

Athos lay on the bed, his wrists tied as gently as Aramis could manage to the frame of the bed, staring into space.  If only his head would stop hurting for one moment so he could just think.  He just needed to think.

He could remember the physician visiting and telling him he should be locked up in prison to protect innocent people from being hurt.  He could remember the physician giving him a drop of wine when he had asked and he could remember becoming angry at the physician but then he couldn’t remember anything further until d’Artagnan was holding him down and telling him that he loved him.

He could see d’Artagnan sitting in a chair in the corner of the room looking sad and thoughtful.  He, Aramis and Porthos had agreed to take it in turns to watch over the older man and it was currently d’Artagnan’s.  Athos considered calling out to the younger man, to have him come and sit with him and comfort him as only d’Artagnan could but he stayed quiet.  He just lay there and stared at his younger lover.

What had he done to deserve such a sweet and innocent soul?  He wondered.  He really didn’t deserve him, Athos was damaged.  He was broken, his mind was destroyed and he could only look forward to losing it even more until there was nothing left.

“Help me,” he moaned eventually and d’Artagnan was immediately by his side.  “I need to get out of here.”

“You can’t and you know that,” d’Artagnan said as he sat down next to Athos on the bed.  “Aramis said you need to rest.”

“I cannot rest, my mind will not let me.  Please help me.  Let me go.”

“You are speaking nonsense.  It is just the delirium.  Once it passes you will be able to think clearly and everything will go back to normal.”

“It is never going to be normal again.  The delirium is just the symptom of the much bigger problem.  I am mad.  There is nothing else wrong with me.  You need to let me go before I hurt you.”

“You could never hurt me.”

“I already have.  Your arm hurts, does it not?”

“You’ve hurt me worse in training,” d’Artagnan told him.  “You are not yourself at the moment but when you are again you will see that I am not blaming you in the slightest.”

“You love me.”

“Yes, I love you.  How could I not?  You are the most amazing man I have ever met.”

“We can never have a future together.”

“Why not?”

“Because it is too dangerous and it is not fair on you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you.  You can get married and have children, you should do that.  You deserve to be happy.  I am broken.  I am a drunk and I cannot make you happy.  Please just leave me before I hurt you any more than I already have.”

“I will not leave you, I love you,” d’Artagnan cried.  “I don’t care about marriage or children.  I want to be with you and nothing will stop me from being with you.”

“And what about me, what I want?”

“You are not thinking clearly.  When you are well you will believe differently.”

“I am thinking of you when I say these words to you.  We cannot continue.  I cannot allow you to stay and watch me fade away.  What if I forget you?  My mind hurts so much that I am afraid that if I sleep when I wake I will have forgotten you.  I don’t want to forget you.  I don’t want to forget Aramis or Porthos.  I want to die whilst there is still enough of me to remember how happy you all make me.”

“Don’t talk like that.  Don’t talk like you have already given up.  There is still hope.  There is always hope that you will get better.”

“I am not, you know I am not.  How many madmen have you seen recover?  How many of them that are locked away in prison have ever seen the light of day again?  Look at me, I am hurt and broken.  My arm is bleeding and I am tied to a bed so I don’t hurt myself.  If I ever get free then I will kill myself and next time you will not stop me.”

Athos suddenly stopped talking to d’Artagnan and turned to look into thin air.  “No,” he cried.  “Please no.  Leave me be.  I cannot do as you ask.  I cannot kill her.”

“Athos?  Is that Thomas?  Are you seeing him again?”  D’Artagnan asked, feeling very panicked.  He didn’t know what to do.  Athos didn’t respond but seemed to grow more agitated.

“I tried.  I couldn’t do it.  I cannot kill Anne.  Please don’t make me try again.  I can’t.  No!  No!  Don’t!  Please!”  He screamed at the top of his lungs as he thrashed on the bed.

“Athos, you need to calm down,” d’Artagnan begged.  “You are going to hurt yourself,” he said but Athos couldn’t even hear him, he was too far gone, lost in his delusions and the hallucination of Thomas that plagued him.  “You need to stop.  You need to calm down.  Please, Athos, don’t lose yourself to this.  You can fight it I know you can.”

Athos did not respond but grew more agitated and violent with every passing moment.  He was thrashing on the bed, trying to free himself from his bonds so he could escape but Aramis had tied them too well.  D’Artagnan pushed him down and used all of his weight to prevent Athos from moving.

D’Artagnan, however, was no Porthos and Athos managed to shift the balance in his favour, pushing the younger man away from him as he continued to thrash.  D’Artagnan went crashing to the floor.  Just as he was about to stand and run to find help the door opened and Aramis and Porthos arrived to aid him.  Porthos pushed Athos down onto the bed and held him steady.

“Calm down,” he said.  “You need to calm down.”

“No!”  Athos continued to scream.  “No!  Please no!”  His eyes were wild and tears flowed freely down his cheeks but Porthos refused to let him go.  After several more minutes the fight left Athos and he relaxed.  “I cannot,” he said and closed his eyes.

“Is he all right?”  Aramis asked.  Porthos checked and nodded.

“He’s asleep.”

“Good,” Aramis replied.  “He needs to rest.”

The two men turned, at last, to d’Artagnan who was standing in front of them looking distressed.

“What happened?”  Aramis asked.

“I don… don’t know,” d’Artagnan said.  “He saw Thomas again, I think.  One moment he was talking to me, begging me to kill him and then he was screaming and wild. I… I… can’t deal with this right now.  I need to breathe,” he cried and flung the door open, exiting before slamming it shut.

He needed some space to think. 


	10. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

“Here drink this,” Constance handed d’Artangan some water and sat down next to him.  D’Artagnan didn’t know how he had ended up at the palace, he had just run away from Athos’ room in a blind haze and the next thing he knew he was sobbing in front of Constance.  She had taken him aside and sat him down in an empty room.  “Are you feeling any better?”

D’Artagnan shook his head and attempted to wipe the tears out of his eyes but there were only replaced by more.  He didn’t seem to be able to stop crying.  “I don’t know what to do,” he replied, his voice was rough.  He tried to clear his throat but it didn’t work.  “Athos tried to kill himself.”

“Oh my god,” Constance exclaimed, horrified by what d’Artagnan was telling her.  She was very fond of the older man and knowing he was suffering so much pained her greatly.  “Is he all right?”

“I stopped him if that’s what you mean.  He is far from all right.”

Constance took hold of d’Artagnan’s hand and squeezed it gently in comfort.  She didn’t know what to say.  She didn’t think there were any words to bring comfort to d’Artagnan.

“Aramis had to tie him to the bed so he couldn’t try it again but the delirium is taking him over.  He was shouting and screaming, begging for it to stop and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I couldn’t stand there and watch him suffer so much.  It hurts too much.  I am a bad person.”

“No you’re not.  It is hard to watch someone you care about in so much pain.”

“He asked me to kill him.  He begged me to end it for him but I couldn’t.  I couldn’t kill him.  I can’t live without him.  I am selfish.  He is the one in pain and I am the one who cannot do what is necessary to stop him hurting.”

“It does not make you a bad person to want to help someone you care about even if that means they die.  Not everyone can be saved.”

“It does because when I stood there and watched as Porthos had to hold him down for one moment I thought maybe it would be better if I hadn’t stopped him from killing himself because if he was dead then at least his pain would be over.  I feel so guilty for thinking that.  How could I wish death upon him?”

“That is not something you should feel guilty over.  It is only natural that we do not want our loved ones to suffer when they are in pain.”

“What if this is not a temporary illness?  What if he really is going mad?  How can we look after him?  How can we protect him?  I cannot bear to see him like this, it’s too much.”

“I know you d’Artagnan and I know that you would never leave Athos no matter how bad he gets.  Just because you are doubting yourself at the moment doesn’t mean that you always will.  Maybe it would be better for him to die but at the moment you don’t know if this is going to be a long term illness.  He could wake up tomorrow and start feeling better or he might never.  I know that Athos would rather die than waste away like that and you do too but until you know more you just have to look after him as best you can.  You know you need to be there for him and you will because you love him.”

D’Artagnan turned to look at Constance in the eye and he saw that she knew.  “I love him with all my heart,” he replied.

“I know, I saw it the other day at the palace.”

“Aren’t you going to tell me it’s wrong?”

“It’s not wrong to love someone,” she replied.  “Even if it does hurt to know that there is another you love more than me.”

“If things had been different.”

“But they aren’t so you have to be there for Athos even if he doesn’t get better because that’s what love is.”

“I know and I should go back soon.  I just needed someone to talk to.”

“I will always be here to talk to you.  Go back, give Athos my best and I will pray that he will recover soon.”

“Thank you Constance,” d’Artagnan said as he leaned over to hug her.  “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I do,” she smiled.  “It would be nothing good.”  She stood up.  “I need to be getting back to the Queen.  Take care of yourself.  Let me know if anything changes with Athos.”

Constance was right and d’Artagnan knew that.  He needed to be there for Athos no matter what was going to happen.  He needed to return to him and comfort him as best as he could because even if he couldn’t heal the older man he could be there for him.  He stood up from his seat, took a deep breath and wiped the last of his tears away.  He wasn’t going to cry anymore for Athos’ sake.

He could feel someone’s presence behind him as he left the palace and it immediately put d’Artagnan on edge.  He stopped and turned but there was no one there.  Feeling wary he continued on his way out.  Just outside the palace he had the same feeling.  There was definitely someone following him.  He hurried down the steps of the palace and hid until he could see the person trailing him.  He grabbed them.

“What do you want?”  He asked, seeing that it was Milady. 

“That is no way to treat a person who just wants to help,” she replied.

“Since when have you ever just wanted to help?”  D’Artagnan had no patience for Milady’s games.  He had to get back to Athos and see how he was doing.

“Since I know what is wrong with Athos,” She told him.

“And what would that be?”

“It’s poison.”


	11. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally stole the line about one dose being a cure from The Count of Monte Cristo (been reading it, excellent novel).
> 
> On the plus side, it's all up from here :D

Chapter Ten

“Poison?”

“Belladonna.”

“I thought belladonna was fatal.”

“It depends on how much is consumed,” Milady told him.  “A small dose is a remedy, a large one is poison.  I suspect someone has slipped Athos a small amount, enough for him to feel the effects of the belladonna but not enough to kill him.”

“How do you know?”

“Please, I have killed many men in many different ways, how do you think I know?  I can recognise the symptoms of poisoning when I see them.”

“I suppose this is the only time I will be grateful for your murderous knowledge but why would anyone do that?”  D’Artagnan asked as he sat down on one of the steps, confused and dumbfounded at what Milady was telling him.

“You’re not an unintelligent man, d’Artagnan, you already know the answer to that.”

“Rochefort,” he sighed, rubbing his eyes with his hand.  “He’d do anything to discredit the Musketeers.  But why Athos?”

“He is probably the easiest target.  The belladonna could easily be masked by alcohol and it would just seem as though he was going mad from drinking too much.”

“Will he recover?”

“Perhaps.  Again I say it depends on how much he has consumed.  If I were you I would keep a close eye on what he eats and drinks.  Don’t let anyone give you anything, only allow him to eat what you have collected yourself.”

“The doctor!”  D’Artagnan exclaimed.

“Doctor?”

“Aramis brought a physician to examine Athos.  He said that Athos became agitated and tried to attack him, that’s when he started to get really bad again.  Before that he had started to calm down.”

“So you think that this physician gave him the belladonna?”

“The second dose at least, I can’t be sure about the first.  I would bet anything that he has been paid by Rochefort.  I just can’t prove it.”

“You won’t, Rochefort’s too good.”

“I have to go and tell Aramis and Porthos, they have to know,” d’Artagnan said as he leapt to his feet.  He stopped for a moment and turned, “why tell me this?”  He asked.  “Why help us?”

Milady smiled enigmatically.  “A world without Athos is a very dark world indeed,” she replied.  “I think you would agree with me on that.”  D’Artagnan nodded.  “Don’t worry about the King, I can convince him to forget about what Athos did at the palace.”

“Thank you,” d’Artagnan said before hurrying off.

-x-

“Where is he?”  Aramis asked.  “Where on earth has d’Artagnan run off to?”  The younger man had been gone for hours and Aramis was beginning to feel very irritated.

“I’m sure he’ll be back soon,” Porthos replied.  “This can’t be easy for him.”

After d’Artagnan had fled, Aramis and Porthos had managed to calm Athos and he had fallen into a light and fitful sleep.  He hadn’t woken since.

“I know,” Aramis sighed.  “We need him though.”

“He’s watching the person he loves fade away, it’s understandable tha’ he wouldn’t wanna be here.  Just give ‘im a coupla hours an’ he’ll be back.  How’s Athos doin’?”

“I’m just thankful he’s sleeping,” Aramis replied.  “At least when he’s asleep he isn’t trying to hurt himself.”

“He’s still havin’ nightmares though.”

“There’s no way to prevent that.  We just need to make sure he doesn’t break free of the bonds.  None of us want him to actually kill himself.”

“What do we do if he doesn’t get better?”

“I don’t know,” Aramis sighed.  “If the madness continues and we cannot handle it the only option may be prison.”

“We can’t do that.”

“Can we continue to look after him?  We cannot keep him tied to a bed for the rest of his life.”

“But prison would mean givin’ up on ‘im.  Can you say you could do that?”

“No, I couldn’t,” Aramis replied.  “I would resign my commission to look after him if I had to.”

“We all would.  We all love him.  We all wanna make sure he’s safe.”

“But how can we do that if he doesn’t want to be safe?  You heard him, he wants to die.  He doesn’t want to be a burden on us.”

“I don’ care, I’m not lettin’ him condemn himself by killing himself.”

“If we’re going down that route he’s already condemned,” Aramis replied referencing Athos’ relationship with d’Artagnan.

“Tha’s different.”

“Not in the eyes of God.”

Porthos opened his mouth to disagree with Aramis when d’Artagnan burst through the door.

“He’s been poisoned,” he told them.  “Athos has been poisoned.  Belladonna.”

“How can you be sure?”  Aramis asked.

“I was at the palace.  I went to talk to Constance but as I was leaving Milady caught up with me and she said she recognised the symptoms.  This is good.  We know he’s not mad, it’s just the poison.”

“Oh thank god,” Porthos exclaimed.

“Does she know why he was poisoned?”  Aramis asked.

“Rochefort.  He’s stopping at nothing to try to discredit the Musketeers and making it look like one of them is mad is a good way of doing that.”

“I could kill ‘im,” Porthos growled.

“Get in line,” d’Artagnan replied.  “I think he hired the physician Aramis brought to do it, the second time at least.  I can’t be curtained who poisoned him the first time.”

Porthos turned to Aramis.  “Is he gonna be all right?  Will he recover?”

“Hopefully,” Aramis replied.  “As long as the dose he was given was not fatal and seeing that he is still alive I would say he will recover in time.”

“I’m sorry,” d’Artagnan said.  “I’m sorry for running out on you both like that but I was so afraid.  I was afraid that Athos wouldn’t recover and that he would spend the rest of his life mad.  I was afraid I would have to watch him try to kill himself again and again and I couldn’t cope with that.  I’m so sorry for doubting him.”

Porthos stepped over towards the younger man and pulled him into a tight hug.  “You weren’ the only one thinking it,” he told him.  “We jus’ all need to pull together and be there for Athos now though.”

“I’m not leaving him again.”


	12. Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

“How are you feeling?”  D’Artagnan asked Athos as he woke.  He had been mostly sleeping for the past few days which d’Artagnan was grateful for.  After a day or so the nightmares had stopped and Athos had been sleeping more or less peacefully since then.  It looked as if the worst was over.

“I feel like I have lost several fights,” the older man replied.  “Everywhere hurts.”

“You’ll be fine in a few days.  Aramis said that it might take a while for the belladonna to completely leave your body but you’ll be all right once it does.”

“I’m just glad that I’m not tied to the bed any longer,” Athos sighed.

“You remember that, do you?”

“I remember more than I would like to,” Athos confirmed as he tried to sit up in bed.  D’Artagnan helped him lean against the wall into a sitting position.  “I have a lot of apologies to make.”

“No you don’t, we all understand.  None of this was your fault.”

“I hurt you and Aramis and Porthos, I tried to kill Anne and then myself.  I hurt everyone.”

“Milady doesn’t blame you, she knew that you’d been poisoned and she said she would talk to the King to stop him from arresting you.  I know I don’t trust her at all but she seemed genuine.  It’s the only time she has.  Aramis and Porthos could never hate you either.”

“And what about you?  I hurt you so much.”

“Like I said, none of this was your fault.  I cannot blame you for something you had no control over,” he took Athos’ hand in his and squeezed gently.  “I am just happy that you are beginning to feel well again.  I don’t think that I would have been able to cope if something had happened to you.  You mean more to me than you could ever know.”

Athos pulled d’Artagnan close and kissed him softly.  “I know that you would do anything for me.  I know you love me.”

“You remember that do you?”  D’Artagnan blushed.

“How could I forget?”

“I didn’t even think that you could hear me.”

“It meant a lot,” Athos told him.  “I know that I cannot say it back to you right now, I don’t know if I am too broken to ever tell you that I love you but if not then I do feel the closest thing to it,” he kissed d’Artagnan again.  “Stay with me.”

“Always,” d’Artagnan smiled.  “I promised I wouldn’t leave you and I never will.”

-x-

Porthos was the next to visit Athos whilst he was resting.  The larger man had immediately taken Athos into his arms in a bone crushing hug and refused to let go.

“I know you are happy I’m recovering but I cannot breathe,” Athos gasped and Porthos let him go.

“Sorry, bu’ I was jus’ so worried.”

“I know.  I was worried too.”

“Don’ ever scare us like that ever again.”

“I’ll try not to but I suppose it does all depend on what Rochefort is planning to do to us.”

“D’Artagnan told you.”

“He told me everything.”

“He was especially worried about you.”

“You know don’t you?”  Athos asked, realising what Porthos meant.  “How?”

“Aramis figured it out and confronted d’Artagnan.  He told us that he loves you.”  Athos smiled softly at Porthos’ words.  “D’ya love him?”

“I don’t know if I can,” he replied.  “D’Artagnan knows this.  I want to but perhaps I am just to broken to love anyone like that again.”

“I think you do, even if yeh not willing to admit it.  But I will say this, if you hurt him I will gut you like a fish.”

“Did you say the same to d’Artagnan?”

“Don’ need to, he’ll never hurt you.  He’s too loyal.”

“Good to know,” he paused.  “I’m sorry.”

“Got nothing to be sorry for,” Porthos replied.  “Not your fault that someone slipped you poison.  We are gonna sort that doctor out as well, don’t you worry.”

“I’m not worried,” Athos said.  “I only wish I had the strength to join you.”

“I should go an’ get Aramis, he wants to see you too before we find the doctor.”

“Send him in, I’d like to see him.”

Porthos gave Athos another hug before he left and a few minutes later he was replaced by Aramis, who sat down on the chair next to the bed and proceeded to check over the wound on Athos’ arm.

“How is it feeling?”  He asked.

“It itches,” Athos replied.

“Good, means it’s healing.”

“I don’t think you came here to treat my wounds so what do you want to talk about?”  Aramis paused.  “It’s about d’Artagnan isn’t it?  Porthos has already spoken to me about it.”

“We do not share the same concerns,” Aramis replied.

“No you don’t.  Porthos is worried about me hurting d’Artagnan because I’m an old drunk who can’t admit he’s in love, you’re worried for my eternal soul.  You don’t need to be.  I understand that you are uncomfortable about this because of your affinity towards religion but it is my soul and if it is damned to hell then so be it.”

“The Bible says it is wrong and I cannot just forget that.”

“I don’t expect you to but I do expect you to allow me to live my life as I please.  Aramis, I know my relationship with d’Artagnan is wrong, both in the eyes of the law and of God, but he makes me happy.  For the first time in as long as I can remember I am happy, please do not take this away from me.  Don’t make me choose between my relationship and my friendship.”

Aramis sighed.  He knew Athos was right.  “I will not stop you and I won’t say anything but I do not know if I can ever accept this.  You could die for this.”

“I am not the only one who could die for having an inappropriate relationship,” Athos reminded Aramis.  “Remember, you have committed treason.”

“I know and it makes me feel worse judging you whilst knowing that I have committed a sin just as bad.”

“Then don’t judge me, just be my friend like you always have.  I am not happy knowing about your affair, I wish I didn’t know but I am not going to tell anyone, your secret is safe with me and I hope mine will be safe with you.”

“Always,” Aramis replied.

“Thank you.  I appreciate it.”

“I must be going, Porthos is itching to have words with the physician I brought to examine you.  He is determined to make him pay and I have to say that I am just as anxious.  I trusted him to make you better and instead he just made you worse.”

“It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known.”

“I will be more wary in future,” Aramis said as he stood up.  “Are you going to be all right on your own?”

“I am not suicidal anymore if that is what you’re worried about.  I was just going to sleep, it has been a very few tiring hours.  Just send d’Artagnan to see me when you are done.”

“I will.  Take care of yourself.”

“You also,” Athos replied as Aramis left.

It was time to get some sort of revenge.


	13. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meh, not a big fan of this chapter. 
> 
> Anyway, just an epilogue to go.

Chapter Twelve

“Why’d ya do it?”  Porthos growled as he pushed the physician who had poisoned Athos against the wall.  He hadn’t been too difficult to find, he obviously wasn’t expecting to be caught so the three men had easily tracked him down.

“I don’t know what you mean,” the man protested.  “I didn’t do anything.”

“Funny that because we know that you did and now we want payback so I’m gonna ask you again, why did you poison our friend?”

“I was paid to,” he said quickly, terrified by Porthos’ threatening attitude.

“Now, that was just too easy,” Porthos moaned causing Aramis and d’Artagnan to smirk.  “You barely put up a fight.  Who paid you?”

“I don’t know,” he replied.  “I received a message to meet a man who ordered me to slip the belladonna in a Musketeer’s drink.  He was working for someone but he didn’t say who.  Please don’t hurt me.”

“Give us one good reason why we shouldn’t?”  Aramis asked before resuming the previous questioning.  “Did you do it both times?  We know he was dosed with the belladonna more than once.”

“Yes, both times.  Once in a tavern and then again when you asked me to examine him.”

“But why?”  D’Artagnan asked.  “Why do as this man said?  You could have said no.  Was it really about the money?”

“You didn’t see how much he paid me,” the doctor said and by this time Porthos had had enough of him.  He punched him hard in the gut and held him up when he tried to fall to the ground.

“You disgust me,” he growled.  “You almost killed a man, you’re not fit to call yourself a doctor,” and he punched him again.

“Now, now Porthos,” Aramis interrupted.  “You can’t be the one to have all the fun.  We are all Athos’ friends.”

“Oh forgive me, I just forgot myself in all the excitement,” Porthos said as he stepped aside.  “Enjoy,” he grinned at Aramis as he took the larger man’s place.”

“I have been waiting to do this all day,” he said.

-x-

“What do we do now?”  D’Artagnan asked.  “He might have admitted giving Athos the poison but we can’t connect it to Rochefort.

“And we probably never will be able to,” Aramis replied.  “This might be one fight in the battle against him where we have to admit defeat.”

“We seem to be doing that a lot recently.  It feels as though we cannot win.  He has the King’s ear, Treville was fired from being captain and nothing we do is right anymore.  Then Athos nearly dies, this is a step too far.”

“Until we can prove it there is nothing more we can do.  We can only hope that he slips up at some point and then we can make our move.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

“Then we’ll have to figure something else out otherwise we will all be dead.”

“I hate that he has so much power over us,” d’Artagnan groaned.  “I hate not being able to stop him.  It makes me angry to know that he hates us so much that he wants us dead.”

“I know, I feel the same way too but running to the palace and challenging him to a duel probably isn’t the best way to defeat him, it will only serve to make the King angry.  We need to bide our time and Athos needs us to look after him right now.”

“I know, you’re right,” d’Artagnan sighed.  “I just can’t believe he’s going to get away with it.”

“We’ll beat him eventually.  Now, go, be with Athos.  He wants to see you.”

D’Artagnan smiled.  “I know you don’t approve of us being together but…”

“I’m not going to say anything.  You are both my friends and I would never do anything to hurt you,” Aramis interrupted.  “Even if your choices are not something I approve of, Athos reminded me that my choices are not something he always approves of.”

“Thank you.  It means a lot.”

-x-

Athos was still sleeping when d’Artagnan returned.  Closing the door as quietly as he could the younger man made his way across the room and sat down on the bed close to Athos and ran his fingers through the older man’s hair.  Athos stirred.

“That feels nice,” he said as he opened his eyes, squinting in annoyance at the light.

“I won’t stop then,” d’Artagnan smiled.

“I take it that you were successful.”

“In part.  We found the physician but we couldn’t find any evidence to tie it to Rochefort.  He’s going to get away with it.”

“That is unfortunate,” Athos replied.  “I desperately wanted to punch him in the face again.”

“I would have loved to see that,” d’Artagnan said.  “How are you feeling?”

“I feel better every time I wake.  Maybe in a couple of days I won’t feel so damned wretched.”

“You’ll be up and about again before you know it.  You just have to let yourself rest.”

“I’m tired of resting,” Athos complained.  “I want nothing more than to get out of this damned bed and walk around.”

“Athos, you were poisoned.  You need time to recover.  Besides, Aramis will kill me if I let you get out of bed before he says you are ready.”

“Well, Porthos said he would gut me if I ever hurt you so I guess that makes us somewhat even.”

“Pothos said that?”

“Yes, apparently you are a gentle soul who needs protecting.”

“He said that?!”

“Not quite, I am paraphrasing.”

“I’ll give you gentle soul,” d’Artagnan laughed and leaned down to kiss the older man, feeling Athos’ arms wrap around him.  It felt good to be in his arms again without any of the pain from the past few weeks.  Athos was starting to feel better and d’Artagnan was only too happy to indulge and enjoy the feeling of Athos’ lips on his own.  “Don’t scare me like that again,” he sighed against Athos’ lips when they finally broke the kiss.

“I hope to never scare myself like that again either.  I shall be more careful about what and where I choose to drink in the future.”

“If Rochefort tries anything like this again then I will kill him and I don’t care if he has the King’s protection.  Our world will never be safe as long as he is in it.”

“Then I will help you,” Athos smiled.  He pulled d’Artagnan down so he was lying against the older man, his head pillowed on Athos’ chest.  “The world would be a much darker place without you in it.”

“I still can’t believe I almost lost you.  I don’t know what I would do without you by my side.”

“I think you would do just fine.”

“I think I would be dead without you.  You’ve saved my life so many times since we met.”

“And you’ve saved mine.  Everyday.”


	14. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are at the end. I have to end it or I'd just keep on writing. Hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as have enjoyed writing it. Thanks for all the comments, I enjoy reading them and they have often influenced the story :). So a nice happy ending to round everything off.

Epilogue

“Oh Athos thank god you’re all right,” Constance said as she threw her arms around the older man, pulling him into a tight hug.  “I was so worried about you.”

“I am fine,” Athos said, blushing profusely.  He had not been expecting such an open display of affection from Constance when she had insisted upon visiting him.  “You didn’t have to worry.”

“When you came to the Palace it was so unlike you.  I was so scared that you were going to hurt someone or yourself.  Don’t ever worry us like that again,” she replied, eventually pulling out of the embrace and smoothing her dress, slightly embarrassed at having hugged Athos the way she had.

“I shall endeavour to,” Athos smiled slightly.  Despite the hug being unexpected Athos had enjoyed it.  It was always nice to know that someone cared that much.

He was finally starting to feel more like his old self again much to his and everyone else’s relief.  He was tired of spending all day in bed on Aramis’ orders and he was glad to finally be up and about again.  It was not something that he was ever wanting to repeat.

The nightmares were still there, they probably always would be as they were not something that Athos could ever really escape but at least he no longer saw Thomas upon waking.  He wasn’t there standing in front of him telling him that he needed to kill his ex-wife or anything worse so at least on that front Athos could breathe a sigh of relief.  As for the rest?  Well, there was always the wine to help with that.  And d’Artagnan.

The younger man had barely left Athos’ side.  He refused to leave even when Athos told him to go to his own room and get some rest believing that if he abandoned the older man for just a moment then something bad would happen.  Even though he would never admit it Athos secretly enjoyed having him around so much even if he was acting like a mother hen around him.

At least d’Artagnan was affectionate and loving.  Aramis also barely left his side but he had gone into full on doctor mode and was constantly checking on Athos to make sure he was not about to fall ill again no matter how much Athos protested and told him he was fine.  He appreciated Aramis’ concern but he just really wanted to be left alone.

So Constance, and her over enthusiastic hugging, was a very much appreciated change of scenery.

“When d’Artagnan came to the palace he was so worried,” Constance continued, “I’ve never seen him so upset.  He really cares for you.”

“I know,” Athos replied.  “I really care for him too.”

“Good, because if you hurt him I’ll kill you.”

“You’ll have to get in line behind Porthos.”

“No I’ll be there first,” she smiled.  “Porthos has nothing on me.”

“I can believe that.  I will not hurt him though.”

“You’d better not.  I’ll be watching you like a hawk.”

“I can believe that also.”

“I really am glad that you’re all right.  I would hate for something to happen to you.  You’re too good a man to die like that.”

“Thank you.”

“I just can’t belief you can’t prove that it was Rochefort that was behind it.  It has his name written all over it.”

“Rochefort is a snake, he’s slippery but I have no doubt that he will slip up eventually.  We might not be able to prove he is behind this now but we will eventually, that I do not doubt.”

“I hope so.  He makes my skin crawl.  The sooner he is gone the better.  You just look after yourself in the meantime.”

“I will,” Athos smiled and allowed Constance to hug him again.  “And if I cannot then I have others who will look after me instead.”

“I should go, I need to get back to the palace.  Again, I’m glad you’re all right and you’d better be back soon.”

“As soon as Aramis lets me out,” Athos was only half joking.

-x-

Once Constance had left Athos was left on his own for the first time since he had tried to kill himself.  He had asked the others for some privacy so he could see her and they had not yet returned.  For a moment he simply sat on the edge of his bed and enjoyed the silence.  There had not been any silence or peace since he had begun feeling ill there was always either the sound from the hallucinations or the noise of his friends as they tried to help.  As much as Athos appreciated the hustle and bustle of his friends he welcomed the silence.  For once it was not tense, the air blocked with unspoken worries.  It was pure and relaxing.  Athos could get used to it.

It couldn’t last forever, however, and it was eventually broken by d’Artagnan’s entrance.  “I saw Constance on the way back,” he said.  “She looked happy to know you’re doing better.  I know how worried she was about you.”

“Yes, seeing her was nice.  It is always good to see a new face after seeing all of you day in day out.”

“We have been hanging around you a lot.  Do you want us to leave you alone?”

“Sometimes I want to tell you all to leave, you can be very overbearing when you want to be but then I remember how alone I was feeling when I thought I was going mad and all of a sudden having you here doesn’t feel so bad.  The quiet is nice though.  I just don’t know if I can take so much of it.”

“We’ll always be here if you need us,” d’Artagnan smiled and kissed Athos.  He pulled back after a moment and paused, obviously wanting to say something but not quite sure if he should say it.”

“What is it?”

“Do you…”  He paused again.  “Do you worry that something like this might happen again?”

“I don’t think that Rochefort will try the same trick again any time soon.  He will probably notice that I have recovered and he will not be stupid enough to try it again.  I think I am safe for now.”

“That’s not what I meant.  At first, before we knew about the poison, you thought it might be alcohol related.  Aramis even said that alcohol could cause some of the same symptoms.”

“Are you trying to say that you are worried that the amount of wine I drink might one day make me mad?”  Athos asked and d’Artagnan nodded, suddenly unable to speak.  “I sometimes think so and it does worry me to think that I may go mad.  Believe me, this is not an experience I ever want to repeat but it might.  I only hope that if it does then I have you and Aramis and Porthos around to care for me.”

“I don’t think we will ever leave you.  Only death will truly separate us so you will be stuck with us for a long time yet,” d’Artagnan smiled and kissed Athos again.  “Speaking of Aramis and Porthos, they are waiting for us to meet them.”

“Aramis is finally letting me out of my room is he?  I thought he was going to keep me in here forever.”

“I think he has finally realised how overprotective he is being.  Or maybe Porthos spelled it out for him.”

“That sounds like the more likely option.  I think there is something I would much rather prefer to do,” Athos said and leaned in to kiss d’Artagnan again.  He had no intention of leaving his room just yet.

“And what is that?”

“Well, Aramis and Porthos aren’t going anywhere at the moment, they will be still waiting for us for a little while yet so I think now is the perfect time for us to be alone together.”

“Oh really?”  D’Artagnan teased.  “And why do you think that?”

“Because it has been far too long.”

“I can agree with that,” d’Artagnan replied as he pushed Athos down onto the bed.  “It’s definitely been far too long,” he grinned and leaned down to kiss the older man.

Things were definitely starting to get back to normal.


End file.
